Three communication styles

You, Me, Baby MODULE 8 | How to improve communication Three communication styles

To improve your communication skills, recognize the styles you use.

The speaker ignores their own needs, ideas, feelings or desires. For example, a new mother who is very tired says, “I can pay the bills, do the grocery shopping and take care of the baby. It’s okay even if I’m tired.” She is not expressing her needs clearly, because what she expresses does not accurately correspond with what she feels.

The speaker is only defending their own interests, ideas, feelings or desires. They think solely of themself. The emotions and ideas of others are minimized. The person using confrontational communication attempts to dominate the situation and may even manifest defensiveness or hostility.

One example is a new mother who feels isolated and says : « It’s normal that you don’t see your friends anymore because I don’t see mine either. You need to spend the weekend with us, we’re your family after all. »

She imposes her vision of the family without negotiation and without taking into account the other person’s perspective.

With this style of communication, the speaker expresses their own ideas and feelings, while respecting those of others. For example : « I understand that you have to spend a lot of time at work and at the same time I sometimes feel angry because it keeps you away from our family. »

The word « and » is used, rather than « but », which indicates that the two feelings co-exist. They do not necessarily cancel each other out. The person clearly conveys to the other that they understand their perspective, without neglecting their own needs in the process.

Assertive communication is generally the most effective communication style. It is a skill that can be learned and should be practised as frequently as possible for it to become more natural and automatic. It is about expressing your thoughts and feelings openly, without blaming the other person. It is also about respecting the thoughts and feelings of others.

Practising assertive communication

A key element of assertive communication is the use of «I» statements.

For example : « I feel frustrated when you arrive late for dinner. It makes me feel that family mealtime is not important to you. »

This type of statement indicates that you are taking responsibility for your feelings and behaviours without blaming the person, so your requests and comments will be easier for the other person to accept.

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